Brahms

Clarinet Quintet in B minor

 

passages of time

like a swallow

committed within a

slow, determined dive

beautifully present at once,

somehow silently

disappears.

 

Clarinet Trio in A minor

 

I share with you the memory

of the black, tweed, pilled and rough

three dollar purchase

embroidered Victorian buttons

triple breasted

wool tailcoat with

loose threads

brushing my ankles

 

Mendelssohn

String Quintet in A minor

 

right eye opens

and a smile unravels

upon your face

like the wings of a newborn

butterfly

 

We move on to

Schubert

“Trout”

Quintet.

 

 

If a heart could explode

like a science experiment

gone entirely wrong

that was my heart,

when I saw my hair

cock-eyed,

tipsy,

uneven,

I loved them

so much.

 

Your first hair do

our first Halloween –

I was Annie

The Hard Knock Life

my God, that was our song.

 

The plastic, orange

curled

knotted wig

went in

the trash

 

You stood behind me

the brush in your hands

like a fish

on land

and you did

your best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fall leaves

green and soft in the middle

crisp,

crunchy

on the outside

like a rain stick upside down

in the breeze

 

The absolute

most gorgeous time of year

my favorite

I wait for it

and now

I do not trust

at all

the rotation of the earth

the slant of the sun.

 

I have gone almost nowhere

for

a year

missing you

with every tick

of the

clock

 

And yet

the cool air

reminds me

I can feel as if my body is shattered

at the same time

I roll in piles of decomposing earth

with my children

in laughter-

 

I am home,

the address

unfamiliar.

 

 

I  frequently wondered about this moment

as if imagining an alien abduction

I knew you couldn’t be there

but maybe.

 

The gown in the window

facing West Silver Spring Drive –

I saw myself as

Olivia

in Twelfth Night,

the dress had to

be mine.

 

My right hand shook

as if in fever

I opened the door,

“Please show me that dress in the window”

 

Alone

I slid my hands over the gown

as you see done in film

dropping the satin over my head, breasts and hips…

The seam brushed the carpet

settling,

back and forth

then still

 

Sleeves ivory and transparent

dipping at my wrists

like a pitcher,

babydoll stitching

gentle taffeta

like a quiet river

over my waist

 

Looking over my shoulder as if to see you there

I knew this was the dress

the mirrors knew

it was me, my glass of champagne and

the four surrounding

panels

of glass.

 

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I’m afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I’d take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you’d forget me.” Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

 

The doors of

Avow

gently shut behind me

and the last brush of air conditioning

formed ripples in my shirt

soft waves –

The lingering October sun dense upon my face,

fleeting hospice breeze

at my back.

 

The highway began to split-

Barely deciphering exits

as my eyes were pools

overflowing,

uncontrollable, inevitable

floods.

 

The wheels spun,

rising above the pavement,

and I felt a snap

in the deepest part of my chest.

 

I was sure

everyone on the plane

could hear the pop,

the crack.

 

My work now,

with brick and mortar, is to rebuild

that string

 

that death, nor vessel

can sever.

 

 

 

 

 

The one thing we all may wish for,

wonder

about

is that last moment

when the person we love

leaves us with that phrase

those open doors

through which

we can

move forward-

words of wisdom,

of quiet, subtle

maybe untold love.

And we

can be

free.

 

Life gives you

what it gives you-

so I pulled the comforter snug

around his shoulders

letting my words

slide gently

from my mouth

to his ears –

 

and set him free.

 

At least I will believe

that

that

was

so.

Grocery lists

bumpy as a bee

carrying the pen

 

My eyes

to a squint

and I could decipher:

 

Cucumbers

tomatoes

garlic (extra)

Gazpacho –

 

Beets

ripe, red

thick

and cold

Borscht –

 

Matzo Meal

round

cut with a knife

no floating chicken

salty

Matzo ball soup –

 

Eyes shut tight

in the chair of a giant,

Marriage of Figaro , and you,

in a synchronized hum.

 

“What is with the Goddamn chopping!?

Yummy

Perfect

Just the way,

I remember…”

This – is what people say

without

prior

thought.

 

Words

Spill

out

Like knocked over

paint –

Thick and unfortunate.

 

7 yrs old

calf folded into thigh

Mound Zion

 

41 years old

calf folded into thigh

Mound Zion

 

I know,

We are never of this age

and

yet

 

Always.

 

Not Madison Avenue,

North Shore Milwaukee.

No Cadillacs or town cars,

Station wagons and Saabs.

Not a high rise or Long Island plush,

but a Frank Lloyd Wright esque

sloping 70’s grand

no sidewalks, few stop signs

silence –

Our backyard a forest

with a secret path lining the south side

armed with Lilies of the Valley

the smell sticking to my shirt like a burr

as I run in the side door

out of breath

to find you alone with

a crystal clear Martini

one olive floating at the top

like a green buoy

and I got to suck out the juices

when it hit

the bottom.

 

I came back for a visit

in last night’s dream

methodically walking in

to every room

looking the same as when I left –

not when the boxes became the inhabitants,

equilateral squares taking our places and eating our air –

but  looking as you will always look to me:

This room my victorious secret in hide and seek

This room where Pippin always played and Magic was sung

This room where I wrapped myself within a cocoon of 70’s phone cord

This room where I slept with E.T. in my closet and rainbow wallpaper

This room where I wished for Twinkies instead of fruit

This room, with the two of them,

and I was both the jelly and the peanut butter

between the Wonders….

 

I will come back to visit you someday

when your siding is back to its natural deep chestnut brown

instead of the eggshell primer

that is your exterior –

making absolutely no sense

at all.